This post is a sensitive subject and includes discussion about suicide and death. There are no graphic descriptions given, but the conversation is about suicide. Please be aware before reading further.

What follows comes from my experience of suicide from working in The Salvation Army UK’s homelessness service, working as an officer in local church ministry, and 8 years teaching the suicide prevention course ASIST, owned by Living Works.

I also come from the perspective of someone who goes through periods of depression and has had both personal and work experiences with people who have attempted or completed suicide.

This post is aimed at encouraging and supporting people to have conversations about suicide and to provide tools to support people who are thinking about suicide.

It is not a long-term support method, but it is a short, immediate intervention tool to help people at imminent risk of suicide.

There is Hope of Life For Everyone

I believe that there is hope for everyone going through thoughts of suicide. Not every attempt will succeed. But there remains the promise of hope.

So, yes, we are talking about suicide. But, more importantly. We are talking about hope in dark places. There is support for someone thinking about suicide. Sometimes we are that support.

Be aware of your own beliefs about death and suicide. Your attitudes and beliefs are important, but they are yours, not those of the people you are helping. It is important not to project your own assumptions onto them, or to make them feel guilty for any reason.

Be aware of your beliefs and attitudes, but they are there to influence and guide your process, not to try to get the person you’re helping to believe.

Safety First – You Cannot Help Anyone If You or They Are Injured

If you are with someone who is in the act of attempting suicide, or is unable to communicate with you for whatever reason, or who has already attempted suicide but did not complete it, then rather than talking to them, you will probably need to phone a first responder or emergency services such as the ambulance or police service.

If you are in a position where approaching and talking to someone attempting suicide would place you in danger, then you need to consider your own safety in that situation and whether you should continue to try and speak to that person or whether you should seek professional support from the emergency services.

Now that we’ve made that clear, we can continue.

Suicide Isn’t Actually About Death

This may seem like a strange place to start. It may seem flat-out not true. But hang on in there and trust me for a minute or two, and I’ll explain. It is important to understand if we are going to support someone thinking about suicide.

When we think about suicide, it’s normally assumed that someone who is attempting suicide or thinking about suicide wants to die. But that is rarely the case. Most of the time, the intention to attempt suicide is not about wanting to die but about not wanting to live.

That may sound the same, but it’s definitely not.

It is possible to no longer want to live your life, but at the same time not want to die. It’s simply a matter that life has reached such a stage that it is unbearable, and that there seems to be no other option than to end that life. What is intended is not death, but the end of the person’s unbearable experience of being alive.

We need to understand that suicide is not about death; it is about life.

Suicide Starts With Loss, Pain, And Avoiding That Pain

Ultimately, suicide is all about pain, loss, and avoidance. We cannot avoid this if we want to support someone thinking about suicide.

A core human behaviour is to avoid pain. Whether that is physical, social, emotional, psychological, or spiritual pain makes no real difference. Most people are hardwired to avoid pain. As we grow up, we learn to cope with it. But sometimes it all just becomes too much.

This would be bad enough on its own, but the significant factor for people thinking about suicide is loss.

This could be loss of a job, of a relationship, of a sense of identity, of a home, of faith or a belief system. The deciding factor is a loss of hope. When a person no longer believes that tomorrow might be better than today. When all they can see is a life of pain (in any of its forms) and that things will only get worse or won’t get better, then suicide becomes an option.

Again, it is not necessarily that people in that situation want to die. Only that they do not want to live any more in their world of pain and loss and fear and anger and despair. When hope is gone, suicide steps in as a way of dealing with loss and avoiding pain.

Ultimately, the loss of hope goes hand in hand with the loss of control. The person cannot fix things, or does not believe that they can be fixed. What other option do they have except to continue suffering or to do the only thing they have left with any control over? To end their life.

Suicide Is Often About Taking Back Control

Suicide is a form of control. In the middle of having lost control of their lives, having lost the hope that things could possibly get better, suicide is the only thing they can control. We need to make sure the person we are supporting feels as in control as possible.

This is part of the reason why some people will talk about killing themselves, or will say they are going to do it. Because talking about suicide provokes a reaction from others, and the person may feel that they have no control over anyone else in their life, or that everyone else has control over them, except when they speak about suicide.

This is a key thing to grasp to support someone thinking about suicide. When we are working with people who are thinking about killing themselves, we have to recognise that part of what is on the table is control.

Trying to force or manipulate a person into doing what we want them to do, even if we think it is for their own good, will only leave them feeling even less in control.

But how do we get to the point of talking about suicide with someone?

To Help Someone Thinking About Suicide You Have To Be Willing To Talk About Death

When someone is thinking about suicide, or is in a place in their life when they may start to think about suicide, it is possible that they may be giving out some signs about this.

It’s not like most people will just come up to you and say, “hey, I’m thinking of killing myself” although that might be the case. It is more likely that you may spot some changes in behaviour or interests, which might act as a warning sign for you.

Spotting change is easier when you know a person’s behaviour, but it can be harder when you’ve got a deeper relationship with the person and are more likely to rationalise or explain away different behaviour.

What is key is learning to pay attention to each other. This is central for anyone who will support people thinking about suicide.

Change can be big or small. It can alter dress sense, how much people eat, what music they listen to, who they spend time with, how talkative they are, how much effort they put in at work or school, what their hygiene is like, or how much money they are spending, etc. These are only a few of the most common examples.

It could be a couple of big changes or a few small ones. But if they coincide with an experience of loss, then potentially that person is in a place where they may well be thinking about suicide. But how would we know?

If You Want To Help Someone Thinking About Suicide Then You Have To Talk About Suicide

If we think someone may be thinking about suicide, then we need to ask them if they are thinking about suicide. We cannot support someone thinking about suicide unless we talk to them about suicide.

Don’t be afraid to use the word. Try not to get nervous and use euphemisms or other words like ‘doing something silly’ or ‘harming yourself’. Don’t worry that asking someone about suicide is suddenly going to make them think about suicide.

Just be clear, to the point, and don’t beat about the bush. You don’t have to be blunt or rude, but you do need to be clear.

A good way to do this is through motivational interviewing. Using reflective questions. You want to make it clear to the person why you think they might be thinking about suicide.

“You’ve said…/I’ve noticed you have done… People who say/do these kinds of things are often thinking about suicide… Are you thinking about suicide?”

Finding Our Own Words

Is the kind of sentence you could use. You are giving a reason for asking the question. Or you are letting the person know that others have gone through it. You are asking them the question.

When we ask someone about suicide, it might be the first time they’ve used the word in connection to their behaviour. It might shock them into realising what’s going on and get them back to taking care of themselves. It might highlight other issues going on. If they say they are not thinking about suicide, and you believe them, then fantastic news.

But asking the question can also make a person feel safe enough to answer. You have used the scary word. They know you are taking this seriously. They can speak to you about it. This is what you need to do to support someone thinking about suicide.

Or maybe using the word gives them the freedom to speak about themselves. There is still a lot of cultural and religious stigma around suicide. It’s important we don’t add to that.

Thinking About Suicide Isn’t A Sign Of Weakness

This is where I make a very clear plea to all of you reading this. Do not think that suicide is an act of weakness. It takes incredible strength to decide to kill yourself. Trust me on this one. If you get this one wrong, you will not be able to support someone thinking about suicide.

It is generally a rational act, not an act of madness or confusion (though it can be either at times). Suicide is simply the decision not to be in pain. Don’t cheapen the experience of people going through it by calling them weak.

We Need To Give People The Space To Tell Their Story About Suicide

If we want to help someone who is thinking about suicide or is in the process of being about to attempt suicide, then we need to hear their story. What has brought them to where they are now?

The act of telling your story is a profound experience and can be healing in itself. This is the main healing work when we support someone thinking about suicide.

Perhaps this might be the first time in a long time that the person thinking about suicide has felt listened to. Maybe this is a change for the person thinking about suicide to actually verbalise their pain and their experience in a way which helps them become aware of it and to process it in a healthy way.

Possibly, this is an opportunity for the person to confront their experience and re-assess their decisions. Or it could be the chance to feel listened to, valued, and connected to another person.

Stories Join Us Together

This sense of connection that can occur when a person feels really listened to is key. A person thinking about suicide often feels disconnected from other people, and a sense of connection can be the first step in a healing journey.

But most importantly, when you are working with someone who is thinking about suicide, you want to hear someone’s story so that you can try to find moments of hope or of doubt.

To get someone to tell their story can take time. Using a mixture of open and closed questions, short sentences, rephrasing what the person is saying, confirming and supporting their experience, and taking on a position of attentiveness whilst utilising silence in a helpful way, can all help a person tell you their story of suicide. Of what has led them to this place.

This will not be a nice experience for you. You will have to sit and listen to someone tell you about the worst things that have happened to them, and you have to just sit with them, stay with them, and carry that experience with them. To stay in that pain and despair and not run away or try to minimise it and, most importantly, not try to fix it.

You Cannot Fix People, You Can Only Support Them

The temptation when listening to a person’s story is to try to make them better. To try and fix their problems and make things ok.

You must resist this urge. If you can’t, you won’t be able to support someone thinking about suicide.

It often comes because you are uncomfortable listening to the story. Or because you are, by personality or profession, just a fixer. But you are not there to fix things for them. You are there to listen.

To build a rapport and a connection with them. To let the person work through their story until they reach a point where they can make a connection to life.

These connections could be to family, to faith, to an ideology, to a job, to a hope, to a pet or pretty much anything that the person feels connected to. And, the connection has to come from the person. You might be able to point them out and help them see it, but it must come from them.

Listening for Doubt

When you hear something that presents a doubt about their intention to kill themselves, or which suggests any kind of hope about the future, or simply a sense of uncertainty about their decision, then that is the opportunity to support the person. Doubt, hope, or uncertainty are what this is all about.

If the person still has some sense of hope, then that is something which can be built on to support a person not to kill themselves. If the person is uncertain or has doubts about suicide, then that is something that can be built on as well.

This is where reflective questioning can be really helpful. Because you want the person to hear for themselves what they’ve said. Remember, it is not what you think that matters but what they think. You need them to recognise for themselves the hope, doubt, or uncertainty that they are expressing. Or, you could say something like…

“You have said ….. This makes me think that you still have some hope that things could be different/This suggests that maybe you are not certain about your decision/This sounds like maybe you have some doubt about suicide… If you kill yourself now, then you’ll never know if that hope could become reality/you’ll not be able to change your mind, as death is final, and you should be sure before you make that choice.”

This is where a key concept needs to be grasped.

We Think Suicide Is A Choice Between Life and Death

When we think about suicide, we think about people choosing to die. Except we’ve already shown that suicide is not necessarily about death but about exerting a choice to avoid pain. When working with people who are thinking about suicide, we often think we need to persuade them to stay alive and not kill themselves.

That’s not what this is about.

We need to help people at risk of suicide find a different way. Life and death are just too big. Suicide is uncertain, but life is just too big and difficult. But the person doesn’t have to reject suicide and choose life in order to be safe.

You simply have to try and get the person to realise they don’t have to make that choice right then and there. There is another option. They can put off that decision for another time while they work through their doubts and explore their hopes.

To do this, you need their agreement. Without it being their choice, it won’t work. Remembering that for many people, suicide seems to be the only choice they have left when all their other choices are taken away. You can’t take their choice away.

The Person Needs to Choose

Suicide is still a choice they can make later if they want to. But you are presenting the possibility that things can be different.

So when you are listening to their story, you are listening for things which might help a person decide to put off making that decision for the moment. This gives you and them time to get help for what is going on in their life.

What are the unresolved hopes that if they kill themselves, they won’t know what is going to happen. Where there is hope, there is the possibility that life can be different, life may get better, or at least might not get worse.

Where there are connections to life, there might be a reason to endure despite the pain and suffering. It could be family or loved ones, or faith. Something a person feels connected to and that gives them a reason to keep going, even when they don’t want to.

Where there are doubts and uncertainty, there is the reminder that suicide is painful and, if successful, final. If you’re not sure, you shouldn’t do it. If there is any doubt about it being the right thing, then there is a reason not to do it yet. To give yourself time to make sure you are certain one way or another.

Ultimately, this is all about getting time.

A Suicide Safety Intervention Is About Staying Safe For Now

This is a temporary thing. You’re trying to get the person to agree to put off making the choice to kill themselves for the moment, not forever. Forever is too big.

Life is too difficult. This is just being safe from suicide for this moment in order to have time to explore the possibility that things can be different or because they are not certain and they shouldn’t be certain before doing anything.

You’re asking them to do something small, temporary, and short. Even making that little choice can be a huge turning point for the person thinking of suicide, because it could be the first positive choice they’ve made in a while.

What happens next is important.

How Can You Help Someone Thinking About Suicide Stay Safe?

Once the person has agreed to put off making the decision to kill themselves, we then need to support them in working through what comes next.

What is available to help the person from choosing to kill themselves? Who in their life can support them? What tools are available to them? What can they do, right then and there, to make a difference?

Remember, this isn’t about long-term actions. This is about in the next few hours or days. Who can they speak to? What can they do? If there is a delay in getting help, what can support them to wait?

Is there a need to agree to meet or catch up again, or can you refer the person to someone more appropriate who can talk to them again or whom they can get in touch with if they need help and support? Is there a help line they can phone or a walk-in clinic they can go to?

Basically, what can they do and what can you do to help them continue not to decide to die, which is different from deciding to live.

What Comes Next For You?

If this has been helpful for you then there a load of resources out there in the world to get hold of and use. There are courses, books, podcasts, lectures, and YouTube videos all available. Please do go and find out more.

Remember that when confronted with someone who is thinking about suicide, the only way you can fail is to walk away from them. Talk with them, be attentive to them, show that they are loved, and all kinds of things can happen.

The heart of my faith is that tomorrow can be different from today. This is something I passionately believe about everyone, everywhere. Even when it doesn’t seem like it.

There is hope for everyone.

But when people cannot see that hope for themselves, then they need someone to come alongside them and hold that hope for them. So, please do speak about suicide, and be ready to help people who are going through thoughts of suicide.

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