Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

Perhaps at no other time in history have people been so divided. Here are 7 Steps to Disagreeing Well that will hopefully start to change things.

Whether cultural, political, ideological, or religious, there are huge divides that seem uncrossable. We have lost the art of disagreeing well. Differences descend into shouting matches on social media. Or they lead to creating safe spaces where I do not have to be in the presence of people who disagree with me. This is especially the case if I find their beliefs offensive.

We need to learn how to disagree well.

Step 1 – Stop Trying To Win The Argument

The first of 7 steps to disagreeing well is reframing what we are actually trying to do. Are you trying to win the argument, or are you trying to win your neighbour?

When we are trying to win the argument, we are out to beat the opponent, to defeat the opposite side, to assert our own ‘rightness’ and demonstrate our superior ideas and power of articulation.

When we are trying to win the neighbour, we are not out to beat the other person but to share with them in a way that brings the two of you together.

Too often, what could be healthy disagreements devolve into taking up positions and well-worn arguments. These frequently fail to resolve the question. But that’s not the point. They are signals of my allegiance to my allies. Therefore, they mark out my difference from my enemies.

Signifying Arguments

We end up aligning ourselves with a party or an ideology. Then we seek to assert it over others. This is instead of having a genuine dialogue.

We need to stop seeing disagreement as an argument to be won. Instead, they are an opportunity to share and to learn. Rather than defeating a position, we want to win our neighbour. If we do that, we will find that our disagreements are much healthier. This is the first of the seven steps to Disagreeing Well.

Stop seeing every disagreement as something to be won. Instead, see it as an opportunity to learn and to explain your beliefs. Try to win your neighbour, not the argument.

Step 2 – Remembering Who I Am?

The reduction of our public identity to an ideological position is damaging for everyone and is deeply unbiblical.

We like to feel like we belong to a group. However, belonging to one group almost always means opposing another.

Conflict is built into tribalism. But we create unreliable allies who will only support you if you agree with them.

Stop being identified as traditional or progressive, left-wing or right-wing, liberal or conservative. Insert: try to move away from the kind of identity grounded in a shared ideology or belief system. Then you can build upon a shared humanity.

It is much easier, almost inevitable, to dehumanise a person once you can see them as belonging to a group, or representing a belief, rather than as an actual individual.

Reclaiming our Identity

When we reclaim our own identity in the middle of a disagreement, we are set free from having to conform to the party line. We can explore and question beyond where we normally think we can safely go if we still want to belong.

People are not just one thing. Our beliefs are not just one thing.

Further, in Christianity, we believe that our primary identity is to be ‘in Christ.’ Therefore, we recognise each other as being similarly ‘in Christ’ and as such siblings.

Perhaps our disagreements would be healthier if we remembered that the person we disagree with is also our sibling.

Step 3 – Where Do We Agree?

A healthy place to start, rather than focusing on points of difference, is to look for points of convergence. Where do we agree?

Putting effort into finding common ground with the person we are disagreeing with can seem counterproductive.

But identifying points of agreement makes the discussion more profitable and much healthier. It’s a reminder that, even in heated debate, we are not completely at odds with the person we are disagreeing with.

It also makes it more likely that you can bring that person closer to your point of view. Showing that there are places where you already agree makes it more likely that you can find other points of agreement.

Remembering that when the object is no longer to win the argument but to win the neighbour, then finding ways we agree is a great step forward.

Step 4 – Can I Make Their Argument Better?

Rather than trying to find the weaknesses in their arguments, start by working out if you could make their argument better. This requires the skill of putting yourself into the perspective of the person you are disagreeing with.

You might well be saying, “Are you mad? I don’t want them to have a better argument!” But the point is that when we try to understand why they take the position they do and why they are making their arguments in that way, we will be able to disagree more effectively.

By spending time to see if we could honestly improve their argument, we are taking what they have to say seriously. We recognise the weaknesses in their argument better when we try to improve it.

We are showing that we take this conversation seriously, that the disagreement matters to us, and that we are giving it the proper time it deserves.

Most importantly, trying to improve the arguments of the people we disagree with prevents us from simply dismissing them.

Step 5 – What Do We Actually Disagree About?

It’s really important to be clear about the actual point of disagreement. That’s why we try to see where we agree, and why we try to improve the arguments of the person we are disagreeing with. This is possibly the most important of the 7 steps to disagreeing well.

It is far too easy to disagree with what we think the other person is saying or what they mean, rather than what they are actually saying.

All too often, people only skim an article, react to the opening sentence, or focus on what someone else says is being discussed. When we don’t know what we actually disagree about and instead focus on false points of disagreement, we will never be able to resolve the issue.

Understanding What The Argument Is About

It will also result in a far more harmful kind of disagreement. When there is a mistaken understanding of where the points of disagreement are, then there cannot be healthy disagreement.

Both sides won’t understand the argument, there will be reductive discussions, and ultimately a failure to listen.

Get agreement with the other person on those points of disagreement. Understand what the discussion is actually about. Recognise the points of agreement so you can identify the points of disagreement.

This is about taking the disagreement seriously and respectfully, because we care about the person we are disagreeing with and want to win them more than we want to win the argument.

Step 6 – Is The Person Open To Changing Their Mind?

To have a healthy discussion, to disagree well, it is important to recognise whether the person we are talking to is actually open to changing their mind.

If the person will not change their mind and is not open to the possibility that things could be different from how they see them, it is unlikely you will be able to have a healthy discussion.

You have finite energy, whether that is mental or emotional energy, and you have to decide where best to invest that time and energy. It is always okay to step away from a discussion if it becomes unhealthy or stops being constructive.

Don’t Bother Arguing With Fascists, Drunks, and Idiots

My life would have been so much easier if I had taken this step to disagree well to heart much sooner. However, this step is also a question for you. Are you open to having your mind changed? When we start a discussion and are looking to see whether the person we are talking to will be open to change, we have to ask ourselves the same question.

There is a degree of intellectual and spiritual humility we need to have to have healthy discussions. If we want the person we are talking with to be open to changing their mind, we also need to be open to changing ours.

If we are not willing to change our minds, and they are not willing to change theirs, then there is no discussion, only a sharing of positional papers. To have a discussion, and a healthy one at that, there needs to be genuine openness to the possibility of difference and newness.

Step 7 – Do I Desire The Good Of The Person I Disagree With?

The ultimate point of creating and maintaining a healthy, positive discussion comes down to whether I desire the good of the person I am talking with. That is what these 7 steps to disagreeing well have all been about.

Do I genuinely desire the best for them? If so, I won’t want to mistreat, hurt, or embarrass them, or lead them into anything other than good.

This is the tip of the intention to win the neighbour rather than the argument. We have to want and desire good for the person we are disagreeing with.

7 Steps to Disagreeing Well

We may believe that the good thing for the person would be for them to come to believe what we believe, but in that case, we want them to change their minds because we think it would make their lives better, not just because we want to be in the right and beat them.

We have to enter into a difference with the desire not to defeat but to persuade for the good and benefit of the person with whom we are discussing. When we can do that, we will be able to have a healthy discussion and disagree well, even on the most divisive issues.

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