Attentiveness As A Sexual Ethic

A note before we start: this piece talks openly about sex, consent, and abuse. Go at your own pace, and step away if you need to.

Sex is one of those things that absolutely ruffles religious feathers. People get obsessed with who is having sex with who, and what person you are meant to be having sex with, and who you shouldn’t have sex with. But I think there is a deeper layer to the ethics of good and holy sex that have little to do with what you are doing, or who you are doing it with, and much more about why you having sex. I’m arguing that we need to start thinking about sexual ethics not from purity but from attentiveness.

Sex Is A Gift

Sex is a gift from God that is part of creation. Not only is it for the creation of new life, but it is, for many people, a powerful expression of love and commitment. Sex can be a moment of union and intimate connection. And it can be a way for people to share and give pleasure to one another.

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed.”

— Genesis 2:24–25 (BSB)

Sex isn’t something to be ashamed of, to be awkward about, or to pretend doesn’t happen. It is a beautiful part of God’s creation. But, like every part of that creation, it is fallen, and subject to the consequences of sin, just like all of our life.

So what is the difference between sinful sex and holy sex? People tend to view this question as a matter of who is having sex with who, or what kind of activity is being done, and how many people are involved. But I think there is a more important ethic. One of attentiveness.

Sinful Sex Can Happen In Any Relationship

Sinful sex can, and often does, happen in any and every relationship. Just because the people having sex might fit the expected categories for religious acceptance (generally, heterosexual sex within marriage) doesn’t mean that sex is holy.

There are plenty of marriages with very unholy sex. Not because of what they are doing, but because of why they are doing it.

When sex stops becoming something that is shared, reciprocal, giving, and generous, it becomes something sinful. When sex is demanded, taken, or used only for the pleasure of one person, it becomes sinful. When sex becomes a way of controlling or hurting another person, it becomes sinful.

Whenever a person approaches sex by treating the other person as an object, as a means to an end, or as there for their own pleasure, it corrupts sex and makes it sinful.

When Sex Becomes Objectifying

The root of sin against other humans is to treat them as an object. We see them as less important than ourselves, or treat them as a way of getting what we want. When we act like that, we dehumanise that person by turning them into a means to our end, or as an object of our desire.

With sex, this can include the use of pornography, where the person is being used for the pleasure of the viewer. Not only does it dehumanise and objectify the performer, it harms the person watching by linking sex to instant gratification and personal pleasure. And it is very much linked to exploitation, trafficking, and abuse.

It can also be when someone has sex with someone who doesn’t want it. A person who has sex with their partner because it will make them happy. A person who has sex with another person just because they want their own pleasure without caring whether their partner has any pleasure. This again turns the other person into an object to be used.

Or it can be where sex is used to control, to hurt, or to force another person. Sex stops being the beautiful thing God created it to be and instead it becomes something that ultimately destroys everyone involved. Maybe that is one of the reasons why the church talks about it so much. Because it is so powerful, and when it is done wrong, it can hurt so many people.

We need a better ethic when it comes to sex than just don’t do it, or about who or what or where or how you are having sex. We need a deeper ethic that goes to the heart of what God created sex to be for.

Attention And Reciprocity As Sexual Ethic

I think the starting point for any ethical approach to sex needs to be attention and reciprocity. These two things are at the centre of how we love people deeply and properly. And together they create the way that we should approach sex as something sacred.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or empty pride, but in humility consider others more important than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

— Philippians 2:3–4 (BSB)

We start with attention, because if we are not paying attention to the person we are with, we are likely to be focusing on ourselves. By paying attention I don’t just mean looking at them or listening to them. I mean deep, focused attention that places them at the front of our awareness. To desire their good and their well-being, to be considerate and caring for them, and to take responsibility for them in that moment.

This kind of attention refuses to allow the other person to become an object of our desire, or a means to an end. Instead, it recognises them in their fullness and wholeness as a child of God, deserving of love, care, and respect.

Sex is safeguarded as something we share with that person, not as something we take from them, or something we allow to be taken from us.

Reciprocity protects us from being used, and prevents us from using anyone else. Sex is meant to be a gift that is shared between people, not something that is taken, and not something that is simply given. It requires the mutual giving and taking together of the participants to allow love and respect to flow together.

Without reciprocity, without that mutual indwelling in the desire and love of the other, it becomes mechanical, functional, and ultimately dehumanising. Holy sex is about more than whether the people are married or what gender they are.

Holy sex is about how they see each other.

REFLECTION SPACE — Who Are You Attending To?
Scripture: Philippians 2:3–4 (BSB)
A Prayer to Begin: Lord, help me see the person in front of me, not just what I want from them.

Prompt:
Think of one relationship in your life, sexual or otherwise. Are you paying attention to what the other person needs, or mainly to what you want from them?

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